Quitting my Job

Well I am quitting my job today. Don't get me wrong I love my Job I love the Pay and the benefits I truly like the people I work with and the help I provide to others.
The reason I am quitting is because I'm about to come into a large amount of money, No it's true I got and email today from Mr. Puledi Mpezi, Provincial Director Pacific Bank of South Africa,Johannesburg Branch. Turns out an Oil Contractor in South Africa died in a car crash in 1998 and left a large amount of money. And he has been kind enough to choose me to be the person that will have all this money. I know this is a real offer because I have gotten the letter from him three times in the past two days.
I will be getting $20 million but I have to split it with Mr. Puledi but $10 million is more then I need to live a life of comfort, My kids will go to the best School's and I'll live Like a Kennedy, I'll hide the money in off shore accounts so as not to have to pay taxes like they do, I'll make sure to put it trust so as to protect it for the Death Tax just like them.
Well I have to go Seems the girl across from me has gotten the same E-mail, what are the chances of that happening, so I had better hurry up and reply to Mr. Puledi with my bank Info, that silly girl across from me doesn't think it's real, silly girls.
Next time you hear from me it will be from the warm beaches in the south Pacific sipping on a Non-Alcoholic Mai Tai
Stonyman

National Single Awareness Day

Ok this doesn't Apply to me anymore I have a wonderful wife and family but I remember what it's like to be single with no hope of spending Valentines Day with someone you like let alone love, But her are a few things you can do to make Valentines day a little more bearable.
Radio Stations- I would love to call my local Classic Rock and request songs Like; Love Stinks by the J Giles Band, or maybe Nazereth's Love Hurt. If your a country fan Travis Tritt's Here's a Quarter Call someone who cares couldn't say it better, George Straight's, All My Ex's live in Texas, works. And I'm sure there are even more Modern Song that fit the bill. But make sure you tell the DJ that this is for NSA Day, most get the joke and will gladly play them for you.
Valentine's Day Massacre- This is were you gather a bunch of your single spiteful, lonely Just like you and go to a nice romantic restaurant, Now be as loud, rude and rowdy as you want the purpose of this is to remind everyone that not everybody has that certain someone and it's rude for them to rub that fact that you are lonely and have no one in your face, the best part is as they leave toss the stupid candy hearts at them just to show you care.
At your Place of work- Replace the hearts and picture of Cupid with pictures of crying children and the cost of raising one of these little ankle biters to the age 18 then the raising cost of giving one the snot machine a collage education so that they can get a descent job and you wont have them living in you Basement until they get a better job the the local McDonald's, So how much of the Brazilian Rain Forrest had to be cleared to make enough land to grow the millions of rose's that get bought for this day.
These are just some of the things you can do on NSA day and fill the void in your life till that certain someone comes along.
As for me, I'll be home in my In-Laws basement with my beautiful wife making her a romantic dinner for two and listening to the mixed tape I made in 1984 for the woman I married . Oh I crap does anyone know where I can get a dozen Rose's for her and not have to take a Title loan out on my Car????
Stonyman

3rd Grade Science Fair

Tomorrow is my son's 3rd grade Science Fair. And like any good parent I am torn. I want my son to do the work himself but I also want him to blow away the competition. At first he wanted to show how to make and blowtorch out of the heating element that comes in the MRE (meals ready to eat) that I brought home from helping out with Hurricane Rita and Katrina, my first thought was " that would be SOOO COOL" but then the Parent Part of my brain kick in and I had to say NO. Then he wanted to make a flame thrower out a BBQ lighter and Lysol, Again way cool but the Parent part, the parent part ruins more father/Son bonding moments, so finally he settled on making a Potato powered Light, not as Flashy or, do tell his mom, as fun, But safer and his mom and I don't have to got to those parenting classes again, show your son just once how to make a flash pot out of some black powder and a Radio battery and there Department of Child and Family Services get all upset, So him and his Mom looked on-line and went to the electronic store and got the stuff that he needed to make a light powered by an Idaho dinner. My biggest fear is some kids mom and dad or going to take over their kids project and come in with a portable cold fusion reactor, Don't worry I still remember how to make a pretty killer stink bomb with a little laundry soap and drain cleaner.
Take Care,
Stonyman

38 years old Is not the age to Start

Ok I know its been awhile. Sorry.
Well a couple of weeks ago my 8 year old went Snow Boarding for the very first time, Hey I live in Utah it was bound to happen sooner or later, anyways. He wanted me to go with him. First I am 38 years old an I thinks there is a law on the books somewhere that's says people over the age of 30 are forbidden from being on a Snow board, it's in the Bible, but I told him I would go Skiing while he took lessons. I had forgotten that the last time I went Skiing was 24 years ago and even then I wasn't very good. But being the good Father that I am I went rented skies boots poles and put on a pair of long underwear and through on a jacket, this shocked my friends. I walk around year round in shorts a T-shirt I an immune to the cold so they wanted to know what was up. I told the true extra padding went I fell and broke my butt. Well we went up to Sundance and surprise, surprise I can still ski and not break my neck. Even thought I'd try hopping on a snowboard and show the kid how it was done. Luckily Just as I was about to trade the two leg breaking sticks stuck to the bottom of my feet for just one back breaking stick I hit a bump and found my feet and head trading places and finding out snow like sand can find it's way into some very uncomfortable places on the male anatomy and I lay there waiting the 15 minutes for my breath to return I realized there are some things a 38 year old man should not try for the first time and I have a list here for you.
1. Snowboarding
2. Extreme Mountain Biking
3. Chasing 21 year old Co-ed's from the local collage( my wife told me that one)
4. Base Jumping
5. Playing Lead guitar for a Punk Rock Band
6. Body piercing

I'm sure there are a few more but these are the ones that come to mind.

Take care

Stonyman

Have I got a deal for you!!!!

I'm driving to work today when my cell phone rings. " Mr Stonyman have we got a deal for you! You qualify for a new platinum Master Card with a $10,000 Credit Limit" I think Great the last thing I need is another Credit Card. " All we would need today is a small deposit of $179 to activate your card and express mail it out to you today."
Ok I know I am not the only one who gets these call, well maybe I am, they seem to come four days in a row always at the beginning of the month, but tell me has anyone ever signed up for one of these things. I always ask them at the beginning of the call" whets this going to cost me?" that's when they stutter and start with the "Nothing really it's just a small deposit to help us with the processing fee." if it's not really going to cost me anything, PUT THE FEE ON THE CARD! It's what only 1.78% of what my credit limit is put on this card you want to send me. I am not giving you my Checking account numbers or another credit card to charge it to. This one even tried to sound really legitimate by giving me an address and phone number to call them back at to verifiy that they where real. I don't know how they get my number but please tell them to stop.

Are you ready to Rumble

First Happy New Year.
That means every Tom Dick and Harriet has decided to Lose weight and are now taking up the good machines at your local Gym, This is Black Friday to the Gym Owners as they make sure they have few if any membership deals going on right now, sign up as Self conscious
over weight people as possible. Knowing full well that if one in twenty last past March it's because they are the few serious ones that A: truly want to get in shape B: Are under Doctors orders to get in shape or C: are homeless and need a place to shower and stay warm. Wait if you could afford the outrageous gym fees you can be homeless, unless you are homeless because of the gym fees. Man you got a better chance of defaulting on a Mafia loan shark and walking away with your legs in tack then you do of getting out of you gem's 2 year contract. You know the Men that Caught Saddam over in Iraq, They work for Gold's Gym as collection agents and Saddam was behind on his Payments. Now if we could just get Osama Bin laden to sing up with 24 hour fitness we'd be able to track is skinny furry butt.
Good Luck,
Stonyman

WHO DO YOU BLAME????

OK WE ALL KNOW THE STORY BY NOW IF NOT CHECK YOU THIS LINK http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/12/30/D8EQNBD86.html
OK NOW SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW DOES A TEENAGE BOY GET ENOUGH MONEY TO
ONE: GET THE VISAS AND OTHER TRAVEL PAPERS TO GET TO THE MIDDLE EAST
TWO: LAST I CHECKED IT'S A COUPLE THOUSAND BUCKS JUST TO FLY THERE
DON'T GET ME WRONG, I UNDERSTAND THE KIDS WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT IRAQ, HECK IT'S WHERE HIS FAMILY IS FROM, AND HIS DESIRE TO BE A JOURNALIST. AND BLAME DOES FALL SQUARELY ON HIM HE GOT ON TO THE PLANE HE BOUGHT THE TICKETS, IT WAS HIS IDEA. BUT HE HAD TO GET THE MONEY FROM SOMEWHERE. COME ON YOU DON'T MAKE THAT KIND OF MONEY A THE LOCAL QUICKY MART AND ON A PAPER ROUTE. THE MOM AND POPS NEED TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY HERE. ALSO HIS SCHOOL, IF I DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR SCHOOL THERE SURE AS HELL LET MY PARENTS KNOW ABOUT IT, WHY DIDN'T HIS SCHOOL.
PLUS AFTER HE CALLED HIS PARENTAL UNITS FROM KUWAIT THEY TOLD HIM TO GO TO A RELATIVES PLACE IN LEBANON. ONLY MAKING IT EASRIER FOR THEIR SON TO GET TO IRAQ. THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD THEIR RELATIVES TO TIE HIS STUPID BUTT UP AND THROW HIM ON THE NEXT PLANE BACK TO THE U.S. of A. THEN THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY.